My new life. I love it and I hate it all at the same time.

Last year October happened and I met Mike. He was a puzzle that I wanted desperately to figure out. I was terrified that he wouldn't like me or that I would uncover that he was not as nice as he seemed. Then, after all of my stupid little tests, I couldn't deny that Mike is amazing. Through and through. On the outside he is tall, dark, and handsome as well as kind of intimidating and maybe a little rough around the edges. But getting to know him I have never met anyone as brave and kind and intelligent and good. I love talking to him because he knows so many things. I love picking his brains and discussing anything and everything. I also appreciate his incredible patience with all of the dumb things I want to know and the debates that are probably created over ridiculous things. I just want to know why he thinks what he thinks. He is constantly thinking of others whether that is a couple of toddlers left in the street presumably alone, or my 12 year old brother who is quite the chatterer, he is there listening or helping out. I could talk about my Mike forever, but really we had a perfect courtship. He proposed in February and we got sealed in the Payson temple in May.

Getting married was always something that I wanted to do eventually, but it was terrifying to think about. Trusting somebody to take care of your heart and to accept you for all of your flaws and be willing to work through issues and not just bail when things get tough is all a beautiful thought, but terrifying. I hear all kinds of stories of great love, and then having it all come crumbling down because people stop working at it.
One of my favorite movies is "Definitely, Maybe." Ryan Reynolds is a father describing all of his love encounters to his young daughter and having her guess which one was her mother. There is a part in the movie where he is practicing his marriage proposal on a female friend. The friend is a "modern woman" and brings in a lot of debates of why marriage should even matter. To her it was just a piece of paper the world used to label you. You shouldn't need it if you love someone. Ryan Reynolds goes on about how he loves his girl so much, and when you love somebody that much, the only thing left to do to show them IS to get married and make them yours. I LOVED that part. That is really how I feel about Mike. I never want to ever be away from him and I want the world to know that my heart belongs to him.


Fast forward 5 months and Mike has been at basic training for 2 months at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. This last weekend he reported for duty at AIT for the next 2 and a half months at Fort Bragg in North Carolina. I know that I don't need Mike to "make" me happy, but I can honestly say that having him gone is extremely difficult for me. I love my life and I couldn't be more proud of him for going away and making his dreams come true. Any form of school is hard, but this is extra difficult, lots of disciplining and using fear to motivate. On top of the yelling there are so many push-ups and so much "low-crawling". I don't know how I would have done that! Especially when most forms of communication are withheld. We also live in a world where we are conditioned to never be bored or left waiting for something for long. Being used to having a phone to access anything and everything at the reach of your fingertips is amazing and something that one gets used to. We all are trained to use that as a sort of crutch for whenever we feel the tiniest bit uncomfortable. Basic training kills that really fast. You aren't allowed to have access to your phone and often are left standing for hours doing nothing. Talk about kicking a habit cold turkey!! I used to pride myself in the fact that I wasn't addicted to my phone and I could leave it at home, or in my car for the day and it would be fine. Now that Mike is gone and I am often alone with my own thoughts, its fair to say that I'm fairly addicted. I need me some basic training for that!

Since Mike has been gone I've been lucky. I had the manager position open up at my salon and I got the job. This led me to have a lot of responsibility with lots of hours and a lot of distraction for most hours of the day. I am so happy with my team and am blessed to have this distraction at this time.
My family lives close as well and we have had lots of fun. I've hung out with the cat that lives in my house, done my hair a couple of times in my bathroom by myself, got addicted to a few podcasts, and read a LOT of books. I've watched too many episodes of Psych and Seinfeld, gotten fairly comfortable going to a movie by myself and have found my favorite chair at the library. I also spend many hours at the gym. It's been a while though. Like I said, I am very lucky, but I can't wait until Mike comes home to me.

This last weekend was so difficult for me, but was so needed. I went to Mikes Graduation from Basic training. My parents and Kayli flew out with me. I am so used to being alone and I didn't know how handle juggling so many people at once as well as seeing Mike, so the day before I spent a few hours stressing and preparing myself by myself. It was so much fun hanging out with Kayli and my parents on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday for Family Day I was hit with ALL of the stress. Were we going to make it on time? Then I was supposed to go and relieve him from his formation and I was walking through the most massive crowd and trying to hurry but how was I supposed to find him in a sea of people wearing the same thing? Then I was so nervous to talk to him and see him in real life. It all worked out, but it was overwhelming to say the least. I just wanted to cry and go and process it somewhere where there weren't so many eyes watching. But after a day of chick-fil-a, frisbee, badmitton, all of the food, and mini golf with my family and the in-laws I was ready for a break. I over analyze everything and worried the whole time if Mike was comfortable and if I could have done better at making him know I loved him was on my mind often.

Graduation was faster. Mike's parents picked me up bright and early to go together. We got there a little later, which meant we got parking in the back giving us a faster getaway. We ended up standing WAY to the right of the regular bleachers and the overflow bleachers. The graduates lined up again and then proceeded to march past us and then line up on the field. We were so close to him and so we were able to grab him and make a quick getaway. He was BEYOND happy to get out of there. We drove for a couple of hours to get to Fayetteville, where we were staying before we dropped him off at Fort Bragg.
It's weird being separated from someone for so long and then reuniting for such a quick time. You want to touch them and love them, but you wonder at the same time if it's still allowed or wanted. It all worked out and I wouldn't trade our time together for the world. I am the luckiest girl alive and I am so happy for eternal marriage and that I get to be with Mike forever and we get a lot of time to get to know each other and to argue and love and make a life together. I am hopefully going to use this time alone to improve and learn more about myself and better prepare myself to be the best wife I can be when we live under the same roof again.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I'd have to agree.

Life is an adventure. Dare to live it.
That is going to hopefully, be my new mantra. Today I listened to a Ted talk about anxiety. The woman that was giving the talk quoted something about failing things instead of not doing anything at all. She discussed the idea of instead of not trying something that could be intimidating or uncomfortable, in fear that it wont go perfectly; trying it anyway, and failing. At least if we go into something knowing that we will fail, we still do the thing. Apparently this is a life changing philosophy. It has helped many with overcoming their anxieties.

Looking back on my life, I realize that some of my favorite memories started off with me not thinking about something, and jumping right in. A lot of times I "failed" in the context of what I was actually doing. Whether it was crashing a bike, or running over somebodies leg accidentally, to losing every single time I've ever bowled. These were fun memories though, because I DID SOMETHING. I think the last little while I have been afraid to try things because I want to feel completely supported. I want there to be no risk of me making a fool out of myself. I want no money to have been lost, and no real effort to be made. That, turns out, is waiting to be "acted upon", and not choosing to act myself.

God loves me. I know that. He has a plan for me. Filled with adventures, people, love, laughter, and joy. I don't think he has actually specified which people exactly, or what adventures. He isn't actually going to bring people to my little room to befriend me. I have to actually act. I have to take responsibility for how my life plays out.

I'm hoping that by starting this blog up again I can again realize that my life has a purpose. I can make friends, have adventures, and laugh and have immense joy if I look for it. A part of this is of course going to come with lots of weird experiences. Here goes nothing.



First Sunday Highlights:

I went to church and successfully made it through all three hours without any super uncomfortable moments. I learned a ton, and realized that with an older crowd, I definitely have to step up my intelligence game, maybe not so much my social skills game (thank you cosmetology school), but I'm going to have to work a little. Which is great!

After church I found out that my roommate likes all of the same kind of books that I like. So BOOM!!

A girl came over to read to my roommate a book that she has written. It is science fiction, and very long. It is actually pretty well written and I could see her being a published author someday. Her speaking voice is also PERFECT for a reading. Luckily she was going to choir and so she directed me to the right place. Although the choir isn't as fantastic as my last ward, it will be great for me to be involved. I love to sing, and the director knows that now.

I was a little "warded out" so I skipped break the fast. I probably should have gone.

I went to ward prayer by myself. It was a little bit intimidating. A guy in my ward came to talk to me and was actually really nice and welcomed me pretty well. He introduced me to the second counselor and his wife. I felt so weird. These people are nice, but very different from me. He asked me what I liked to do and I told him rock climbing and he proceeded to introduce me to the gray haired guy with a comb over that loves climbing. So nice of him. But also I'm not thrilled honestly. Oh well!!

One day at a time! I'm sure if I keep failing, eventually I might accidentally have success!!!

Praying for Prince Provo

It has been said that people in Provo are different. They get married fast, and they are always having game nights, and every night is date night. It is also said that Provo is a meat market and girls are crazy and they are always bailing on guys. There is a whole instagram page specifically documenting this issue. I have also heard that I need to be extra careful of what I say and do in Provo because people will either be deeply offended or judge immediately. SO MANY THINGS ARE SAID. People that live here love it. People that don't can't seem to stop yapping about it.

When I was a little girl I watched most of my examples and heroes grow up and move to Provo. Being young and impressionable I thought that was the thing to do. Much like a fairy tale, I always knew deep down that a lot of "happily ever afters" happened after moving to the mysterious and wonderful Provo. You would go through life and eventually apply to BYU and be accepted into the school of possibility and career giving, and then stumble all romantically into Prince Provo and fall madly in love and pick a temple that wasn't in Provo, and get hitched. (Obviously I didn't go to BYU, because that was a run on sentence if I ever saw one). What a pretty dream that was.

Due to some changes made with the help of the true Author of our lives, I chose hair school as an alternative to the dream. In the worlds eye hair school isn't a terrible career, but it is definitely very different from BYU. Though the dream to move to Provo was something in the back of my mind, getting away from some influences was best for me. I moved to Cedar City. Cedar City was a fantastic place and though didn't have my prince charming character, it did have some potentials that taught me a lot of things about adulthood and what Prince Charming should be like.

3 years later and many battles later, here I am finally fulfilling the first step of my supposed happily ever after. The story is still going. Provo is definitely different and I am not always proud of the things that go on here, but it is home. People do seem to get married fast, but it seems to me like that just means that there are a lot of beautiful and fantastic girls here and Guys might be getting smart and snatching them up. I do miss the ability that people in Cedar city had to be "just friends" with people of the opposite sex. But there is a time and a place, and dating is definitely something that should be more important than just being friends. There are surprisingly a lot of groups of guys just hanging out that does bring up some questions.... But hey! With guys as good looking as these, and girls growing on trees, I guess having a break every once in a while would be a nice thing.

Anyway, I enjoy it here. I've learned a lot. Maybe one day I might even get over my fear a little bit and stop running from these boys, and catch myself a good Prince charming and have my own happily ever after. Hopefully there will even be a nice song and dancing. Ooh and if there was cake and it was GOOD cake, I wouldn't mind at all. xoxo Tia

I was thinking the other day that it had been quite some time since I had posted. I have been racking my brain for a date memory that was humorous to me, but I'm afraid that either dating hasn't seemed humorous lately, or my mind is prematurely aging. Instead I guess I'll share my re-occurring dream.

It always starts out at this very dark indoor pool. I walk through these doors and see people that I know (never anybody in particular) mingled with strangers mostly just standing in this pool. To the left there is a giant blue stained glass window covering the wall. I start walking to the right and pass what looks like the entrance to a subway (the transportation kind, not the food). Then suddenly I'm passing what appears to be a desk of any regular enclosed bowling desks with racks of hundreds of bowling shoes, except instead of shoes, it's luggage.

After this a random group of people that I don't actually know, comes running up to me and saying that we have our tickets and our flight leaves in an hour. I don't recognize the people, but I do have the strong feeling of familiarity toward them and am excited to go on our trip. At this point I realize that I don't have anything packed. I start running around like mad trying to find an exit, only then to realize that I didn't drive. I sprint home and the rest of the dream is spent with me stressing over what to pack. It never ends. I always wake up and have the desire to go back to sleep to figure out if I ever make it back to the weird place with the swimming pool to board the plane.

I used to jokingly refer to myself as a dream interpreter. When I was in hair school one of the girls would bring a dream book that she was borrowing from her Indian friend. It was very interesting to see what our dreams were saying about us according to the book. Though for the most part I don't believe that every time anybody dreams about being a flee caught in a spider trap it means one specific thing, I do believe that dreams can tell us things. Prophets used to receive revelation in dreams. I believe that our subconscious does incredible things and can express itself in the strangest ways through our dreams.

Now the question is, what does this strange dream mean? I of course, looked it up in the dream dictionary. According to the dream dictionary a pool means that I need to take a break and acknowledge and understand my feelings. Seeing stained glass indicates that I am seeking a higher source, blue, indicates truth, wisdom, and heaven among other things. The desk I see that isn't mine, indicates that apparently I am feeling a lack of confidence in my own abilities. The large amount of luggage seen, represents the many desires, worries, and responsibilities that may be weighing me down. Lastly, the feeling of being unprepared is just symbolic of exactly that, experiencing fear and anxiety over an upcoming maybe life altering change, that is happening in real life. As well as being afraid that I won't meet others expectations.

Wow!!! Isn't that just a load of information right there! I definitely can relate to all of these things. It definitely gets a person to think for sure. Maybe these dream books are really just like personality tests and horoscopes. Written so vague that anybody can relate and make a connection. Obviously we care or we wouldn't continue to read them.

What an interesting thing. What do your dreams mean??

The first of many

Let me take you back to my very first blind date. I remember it well. Mostly because I spent a lot of time wondering before, during, and after the date, who first decided that it was a good idea to bring two strangers together to go on a date. Why is it a good idea? Really in my mind it still astounds me. It seems to me like it is a twisted great grandchild of betrothal. Anyway, back to the story. It was the summer before my senior year of high school. I was going to hair school and had become pretty close with one of the girls there named Becca. We share a similar sense of humor and so we were of course ALWAYS laughing together. There was hardly a time that we weren't together there for a while. One day Becca approached me and asked me how I felt about blind dates. I told her that I had always thought they were a little weird, but I had never gone on one. She was so excited and told me something to the effect of "Everyone needs to go on at least ONE blind date in their lives!" I quickly saw that there was little I could do to talk her out of this idea. Becca called her now husband but then boyfriend, Tyler, and told him to tell his best friend and my future date Garret, the good news! I had said I would go! Tyler and Becca set up the date for the coming Friday and I spent the week nervous and naturally, thinking of ways that I could get out of it. Alas, Friday came all to quickly. After school we gathered our change of clothes and headed to Springville to Garrets' house. On the way there, Becca, being the good friend that she is, quickly gave me some information about Garret. She described Garret as being about 6'4", with dark hair and being very outgoing and very cute. My hopes raised a little that perhaps this wouldn't be so bad. We approached the door and rang the doorbell. My stomach was all butterflies as I waited for Garret to come to the door. The door opened and there stood a maybe 5'4 chubby redhead with braces staring at me. Becca with excitement in her voice said "Hi Garret!!" I'm sure the look of shock on my face was evident. I then proceeded to do something that I will forever be ashamed of. I looked away from Garret and pushed past him and said "Where's your bathroom? I need to change." There was no handshake, or hello, or anything of the sort. Not one of my proudest moments really. Becca and Garret led me through the house to a room in the back and told me that the bathroom was right through a door in front of me. I opened the door, and out popped the most gorgeous man that I had ever seen. Tall, with dark hair and rippling muscles, and a really wide smile. I got a whole new set of butterflies! Suddenly the reality of the situation came over me and confusion set in. Everyone in the room erupted with laughter. While my face was red with embarrassment, the REAL Garret introduced me to his 14 year old redheaded brother Robbie, who had been posing as him. This only embarrassed me further. We changed quickly and made our way to Trafalga, the place where every teenager goes for dates at least once because it's cheap. Garret was nice, but I quickly noticed that I might as well have gone with his little brother, because he was either really nervous and acting weird, or he was naturally just really immature. We played miniature golf for a bit which was the highlight of the night. We then hit the arcade where Becca looked disappointed as Garret stole my arcade tickets and ran in a circle holding them in the air so I couldn't reach them. It was weird. After probably another hour of madness filled with things that honestly I probably blocked out, we all got back in the car to go to Garret's house to drop him off. We got out of the car and stood on the street. Becca and Tyler walked away a few steps while I stared after in envy. I HATE the dreaded doorstep scene, especially after an experience like that one. I looked back at Garret just in time to see his head swoop down trying to plant a kiss on me. I quickly did this bob and weave movement that made it so that he couldn't kiss me and I gave him a tight hug. Not because I really wanted to hug him, but more to hold him off. With a gentle shove I pushed him away from me and mumbled some kind of thanks and practically ran back to the car. Becca, Tyler and I all got into the car and waved goodbye to Garret. This was the first time that I heard the dreaded question. Becca looked back at me and said "So? What did you think?!" ughhhhhhhhhh. I will never enjoy this question. I broke the news to her that he was interesting, but I really didn't see it going anywhere. She was really disappointed, and so was Tyler. They continued to try and talk him up for the whole way back to the school. I could hardly wait to get there so I could get home. When we got to the school I said thanks and practically jumped out of the car while it was still moving in my want to escape. I went home and made a silent vow that I would never go on a blind date again. Looking back on this date, I realized a few things. It is never a good thing to judge somebody based on their looks. I hate it when people do that to me. I was really rude to Garret's poor little brother because he wasn't as cute as I was expecting. It also goes the other way though. When I saw Garret, in comparison to his awkward teenage brother, I saw a male modelj. Looks shouldn't have that much weight on how a person is treated. I have learned through experience that it's what is on the inside that really matters the most. If I could do this over, I would for sure do it differently. I still hate blind dates, but I probably would have tried to be nicer. Unfortunately even after my vow, I have been on countless blind dates since this first one. Why? Even I don't know. They are horrible.

An EXCELLENT Idea!

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of having two days off in a row from work. Normally this is a very exciting thing. Having two days off in general is a privilege, but in a row, is great!..... to most people. However, I don't go to school, and a good majority of my friends here do. Which means two whole days for me to be by myself, doing practically nothing. In days like these I often feel like the Grinch (Jim Carrey version), sitting in a cave, checking off all of the appointments that he made with himself. It's all rather tragic really! Instead of dooming my self to that fate, I decided to go home. I needed to take care of some business in Payson, and it seemed like a much brighter option. I packed my bags and in a few short hours I was home and spending time with the family. The boys were at school and Dad was at work so I went with my Mom to get her hair done at her good friend Dixie's house. We all enjoy Dixie, and I especially like her because she has the ability of making you feel like a long lost friend. As we were talking, the topic of my dating career came up. I shared several stories and we all laughed at the horrors of my experiences. It's funny to see how something as simple as my dating experience could make people laugh. Here's the kicker though. Dixie then said, "Tia, you know you really should write a book about your dating life. You have some really great stories!" I laughed and agreed, knowing that it never would happen really. A few weeks later I was talking to my best friend Joey and I was telling him about Dixie's idea. Instead of laughing like I though the would, he told me about these memoirs that he has been reading. People write blogs about anything and everything. Food, travel, their own lives, and eventually some use this information and write a memoir and share it with the world! He helped me understand that blogging really is the way of the future, and memoirs are actually super great. People are always on the internet or the book store or on their phones looking up something that will make their day a little brighter. I then decided, why not? I have some awesome stories! Why not share them with people. People love to laugh, but I have always believed that the most important person to make laugh is yourself. So whether or not these stories are actually funny to people, they will probably have me chuckling with the memory of them. To me that is success. Well.............................................. Buckle up! ;) <3, Tia

Life Lessons

Today I had a "class", (meaning it was an online class assignment), and we learned about blogs. We learned about the ways of the future and the forever changing and updating of personal information put onto the web to never, ever, EVER be taken off. However, this doesn't really stop me, because I know that though I do have a blog, it is not read very often, mostly because I struggle in the actual keeping of it. I was thinking today of the changes going on in my life. Almost two years ago I moved to Cedar City after years of dealing with friends who were fun, but didn't treat me well. I had just finished hair school and gotten my license and was being depressed at home in my room, living a hermit life. My parents were worried, because they are good.

I didn't wait to move to Cedar City in the fall, but instead I moved into my older sister Trisa's apartment with her and her roommates. I was so lucky to have been immediately introduced into an amazing group of people that were each unique and talented and wonderful in their own ways.

Trisa was wise enough to let me be my own person. I was so grateful to her for not being weird about me joining the group. I had never had good friends like this who welcomed me for who I was and didn't expect me to be anything that I wasn't or offer more than they intended to give me in return. I got a newfound confidence and made several friends in the ward and I loved my bishopbric who were all amazingly similar to my Dad and my Uncles in their mannerisms and sense of humor. I loved it! Now almost two years later, most of these friends that I met that day have either married, or moved away. Everybody has a life of their own and seems to be moving in wonderful directions. My own sister has even went and found herself a man that she loves and wants to spend eternity with. I don't have a lot of friends who love me and want to spend a lot of time with me daily anymore. I don't have a lot of close roommates or neighbors nearby that I can call up whenever I have a desire to do something, in fact I do most things alone. I am very happy for my sister and am glad that she found somebody to make her happy and to love her like she deserves, but I am definitely sad and scared for her to move away. She is moving away forever in 7 days. I thought about telling my bishop who is the father of the ward my worries. I thought of telling him that I have tried to make friends in the ward, but my job keeps me from being able to attend a lot of the activities that would help me meet people. I thought of telling him the inevitable thing about girls, and the fact that most girls in packs are actually truly terrible and though many of the girls in the Relief Society are kind, when they get together I experience a terror. I flash back to my High School life where drama and gossip were all that mattered and where people hurt each other with words or lack of caring. But I know what anyone would say... I would say it to somebody in my position. I would say Heavenly Father blesses us with the right kind of people in the right times to help us either be comforted and lift us up when we need help, or to challenge us to make us be better. He wants Trisa to be happy and he understands that what makes her happy and what is best for her, may be hard for me. I would tell myself that if I am patient and just kept being faithful and doing my best to attend ward functions that friendships will be made and life can move on happily. People will continue to be selfish, but that doesn't mean I have to be. I shouldn't expect all people to be decent, but that shouldn't stop me from being a good friend and a good person. I would say that I am tough and I can do anything with the Lord. I am so grateful to the people that have made my life so wonderful. I have been so blessed to have experienced relationships with so many interesting and unique people that have so much to offer this life. Though I will forever miss my times that my sister and I had here in Cedar City together, and the chance that I had to truly get to know such an amazing person. I will now have a chance to hopefully be even a smidgen of the kind of friend that she was to me, to help others. She is an amazing example and I love her.